Good try, but doesn't hit.
You put forth a good effort, but the humor just isn't there. Try livening up the script a bit more, maybe add some music, and some sound effects. Also, comitted one of my all time pet peeves - talking too closely into the mike and making breath noises. Try this trick: put the microphone to the SIDE of your mouth when speaking, and just the volume level accordingly. Works like a charm.